Fat men don’t look good in trench coats. We just don’t. It’s sad. Truthfully, nobody looks good in a trench coat. Maybe in some of the gangster movies, but somehow, it doesn’t translate to real life.
Somehow, fat men manage to look fatter. These things hug your fat areas and make your less fat areas look fat. Which, while one might think has a slimming effect, actually just turns you into one great grey mass. Now, I’ll grant you, spandex has a much worse effect, but at least it doesn’t turn you into a corpulent mast. Chubsters don’t need any more drag than we have. Really, wind is a problem when you’re talking about that much surface area.
One advantage we do have when buying a ‘trench’, skinny guys always end up overpaying, but at least we get our money’s worth in material. If push comes to shove, we could sew our coats and pants together and stretch it over a covered wagon. Though only half of it would be waterproof. (the other half would be stain resistant.)
The only way one of us cellulite storage units could ever manage to look slightly skinny in one of these belted tarps is if the shoulders were HUGE. I’m not talking 80’s business woman huge, I’m talking GWAR HUGE!! Somebody needs to tell Mr. Mac to get on this, not that those guys need any more trouble getting in doorways. (sorry, mormon joke)
And another thing, what in the name of Gilbert Gottfried, are those things on the shoulders for? Really? What exactly is supposed to happen when the Inspector shouts, “Go Go Gadget shoulder things!” It better be something cool, maybe they pop up and start signaling in semaphore. Cuz that would be just about as useful (and stylish) as the 12 foot long belt that many of these car covers come with. Come on, I’m large, but I’m not a redwood.
While we are on the subject of fasteners, let’s talk about the buttons. Honestly, who needs 20 buttons. I am already compared to swine, but I don’t need to look like a sow.
END!!
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So props to Cannon for the comic today. I personally have been both swamped at work and stymied when trying to write the next few scripts. Cannon waited patiently for me, but 10:30 PM last night was just too late for me to hand off a script.
Props also must go to my wife who helped me break through my writing block. I’m excited again about where this is going!
So while you all wait in anticipation, I’d like to share a recent comic: Wondermark by Malki. I’ve never linked him before because some of his stuff is a bit odd or betimes offensive, but this one make me absolutely crack up. Enjoy!
Things you ought to know.
Cannon (me) has been posting the comics lately, which is why you get less of the witty post coolness from Dave. The problem is, that he usually does so early in the morning.
Cannon is not a morning person. In fact, he is not allowed to talk to people before 11 a.m. , in fact, he probably shouldn’t be typing this. (I.M. is fine, don’t expect a response though.) Expect all communication before 11 a.m. to be short, concise, and don’t be offended if it is slightly abrasive.
After 11 a.m. , Cannon is a happy cheery person who is pleasant and wonderful to be with (if I do say so myself.)
that said.
You may have noticed the completed slackerism on the part of your comic creators since the post-thanksgiving technical difficulties. I blame Turkey, the animal, not the country. It seems that Dave and me have both been affected by the post holiday slur. That strange inability to find drive and desire to do any kind of work, even the kind we enjoy, after a lengthy bit of time off.
We have, however, met recently, together, face to face, I think we even shook hands, which means there was actual human contact, in an actual physical location. And we decided to fight the turkey, and redouble our efforts. But since four times blah is really only blah.193 (we have decided to irratioimaginumerals to represent intangible feelings(F), motivations(m3h), wishes(p0nee), etc.) We’ve come to the conclusion that we’d be better off dividing by less than zero.
Therefore, I would like to announce, that the thing you’ve all been waiting for is close at hand. I’m thinking soon. No like, soon. Really soon. As in, we just need to schedule the launch party soon.
Different announcement! Cannon’s “other” project is scheduled to be up and running at Starmada Comics on or about the time of Valentines Day. But we’ve been running some exciting pre-launch content, so go check it out. Or Else.
Laterz.
-Cannon
The other night my 1-yr-old son wasn’t feeling well. My wife, busy with Christmas project, asked me to hold him for a while. I decided to take advantage of the situation and treat myself to some well-deserved Star Wars. I fully expected to be frustrated in my attempt by a cantankerous kiddie. But what to my great surprise, my son settled right down and enjoyed him some Return of the Jedi. Within minutes, he was smiling, leaning back into me and waving a remote and a ruler around in his hands.
Merry Christmas to me: my son’s a born nerd!
Seeing as I had no real good news to pass along, I thought I’d send a reminder of your Christmas duties. Get that shopping done!
Now that that’s out of the way, I’m here to tell you that we DO still exist. I’ve been busy trying to figure out how I messed up our new hosting while Cannon’s been asking me what he can do to fix it. The solution is this:
I WILL BE RE-WORKING THE SITE THIS WEEKEND.
I had hoped that there would be a way to smoothly transition from one host to the other, but seeing as I’ve already messed that up, I’m just going to declare that the site will pretty much be non-functional Friday / Saturday / Hopefully Not Longer. With any luck, we’ll be found at www.AnimalWardComic.com again without having to forward you to CannonHamakerStudios.com/AW (not that there’s anything wrong with Cannon OR his studios – go check them out!).
In the mean time, enjoy this video by Steve Troop of Melonpool.
-Dave
THIS IS NOT THE 'IT' YOU SHOULD BE WAITING FOR
By Dave on December 1st, 2009Posted In: Bare Blogpost
Reality has set in for us here at Animal Ward. In the past, Cannon and I have both promised you new, fun exciting surprises. Now, it’s not that we don’t WANT to deliver. Perhaps we just don’t want it enough. And by that I mean that we don’t want it enough to neglect our work, our families, our civic and church responsibilities.
That, and we’re just learning that 3x/week comics take TIME to make! And to date, it’s paying off only in satisfaction.
Which brings us to our current, um, “improvements” to the site. Faithful Warders will have noticed a hic-up on Sunday when our previous host deleted our account. Well, we’re in the middle of switching hosts, and I simply haven’t had time to work out the kinks.
But fear not!
We’ll be back up & running in a (hopefully) improved fashion in the next few weeks! And our promise to you is this: you won’t lose comics due to our problems. Keep your eyes open: we’ll post comics retroactively to keep our 3x/week schedule.
So keep coming back! Normal insanity will resume as soon as current insanity concludes….
-Dave